Co-Director of Youth

So, my name will appear on the recommended list of District leadership positions to be approved by the district on 5/16. And I'd begin my work in July. At least, that's what the letter said. But, if it needs to approved, I didn't understand "your work will begin in July." Oh well.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.
I talk to the senior pastor of Aiea UMC (the church that we share a building with) because he's done this for 7 years. He said the two main things I need to do is hold a spring or summer retreat and to take kids to the Annual Conference.

That's something I think I can handle. But there are so many youths here in Hawaii who won't go to these things. Basically, there's too many of them and so little of me.
So what I was thinking of doing is just gathering all the UMC youth leaders (could I also try to reach out to non-UMC youth leaders..?) and meet once a week for a couple of months or so and equip them to reach out to their students, because they would know their students need more than I ever would.

I don't think I'd be the best teacher, but I think I have some valuable insights that I picked up during youth ministry courses in Seminary.
But I think, more than this be me teaching them, it'll be us teaching one another, supporting and affirming one another, to build healthier ministries and provide a place where kids can explore and deepen their faith. That way, when we do have big events such as retreats and stuff, we can get the youth leaders to be more involved so that it won't all be on my and Mr. Tony (the person that I'd work with).

Now, this sounds all good in my head. And looks pretty good as I am rereading what I am posting.

But will it actually work out?

The thing I'm frustrated with being in Hawaii is that people are too laid back, especially when it comes to the churches. Or ,maybe that's just me, and what I just said is a very broad and general statement.

Well, the only thing I can really do is pray, and pray, and pray.
And I intend to do that.

This is going to be hard. Especially with all the work I have to do in my own church.
But this is also going to be fun and exciting and I know that this is part of my call from God. And God promises that wherever I go, He will be with me.

My Two Dreams

I have two desires, wishes, prayer requests that I want God to answer. One or the other, or both.
One is that I want to be a traveling preacher. Actually traveling preacher sounds weird... I just want to go around the country (and the world, maybe) and preach the Gospel. I know I'm not the best preacher, I stutter a lot and so forth, but I have faith in God and faith in that God speaks through me and that God works through my weaknesses so that His people can hear His words through me.

The other dream... is to be a praise leader in the likes of Chris Tomlin and David Crowder. I go to events like National Youth Workers' Convention and I see how people experience God through them. And I feel that music is a powerful tool to reach the younger generation. (but music alone is not sufficient).

I can see how God can call me to do both.

But either way, I would love to just go to different churches and different events and proclaim the Word of God, whether it be through sermons, music or both.

In Other News...

A couple of months back, I had a conversation with the Hawaii District's youth coordinator. He was telling about things that he was planning on, but had a hard time to getting church's to commit. He asked if we could come (i think he used to be a member of the church i'm serving).
We had something that we've been planning for months, so we couldn't commit either. He felt discouraged and starting telling me how tough this position was and he think it was time to quit.
I had no idea why he was sharing this with me.
But after our conversation, a thought popped in my head.
I had this crazy notion that maybe if he did quit, i could do something with that position. I told myself that was ridiculous. How in the world could I balance that AND doing full time at AKUMC? It seemed impossible.
But the thoughts wouldn't go away. Instead, it'll be nagging at me.
For example, out of nowhere, while reading a book on youth ministry, another thought popped into my head.
What if I held some sort of workshop for the youth leaders of the UMC in Hawaii? Pass along my readings, pass along what I learned in seminary and encourage them to start going to National Youth Worker's Convention and giving them ideas and resources.
I played with that thought, and of course, I concluded with: I don't (and won't) have time for this. Which I strongly believe.

I haven't thought about any of this until today.
Out of the blue (isn't it always 'out of the blue'?) I get a call from someone at Christ UMC. She tells me that she is an elder and is part of the District Committee.
I had no idea what she wanted with me until she dropped this bomb:
The committee was discussing it, and your name came up. We want you to serve as co-director of youth for the District of Hawaii.

WHAT???

So, there you have it.
God works in funny ways.
My first gut reaction was: I don't have time to do this...

But I think the first thought was put in my head by God.
I've said earlier that I think God has big plans for the youth in Hawaii, and our little island in general.

The more I thought about it in the past hour, the more it make sense to me that this is part of my calling from God.
I don't want to do this, but the possibilities excite me.

Of course, i have to be in prayer over this.
I told the elder, I need to ask my senior pastor first, in which she replied: "Oh, we already briefly talked to him about it and he seemed very excited over it." (great.)

I then told her, please give me time to pray over it.

I'm excited about this and at the same time, scared.

But if this is truly what God wants me to do, then I have nothing to be afraid for God will go with me.

NUMB3RS

There was something that a previous pastor used to always tell our kids and it frustrated me so much.
He kept asking our kids to bring in friends, new members to our church. Each Sunday, during announcements, if there wasn't anyone new, he would say "c'mon guys! We need to start bringing people. If we don't bring new people, our ministry is a dead ministry! We're dying!"
I can't tell you how much it upset me to hear that.

It almost wanted me to ask what was his purpose of his ministry? To make it physically big as possible?

For all my seminary career and so far in my ministry career, numbers has been the last thing on my mind. Blame it on my professor of youth ministry and Doug Fields, but I've been putting extra effort into not thinking about number.
If i hold an activity and event, i don't think it's a failure if 2 people show up. Sure, i'll be disappointed, that's natural, but if we fulfill the purpose of the activity and event through those 2 people, then what we aimed to do was a success.

I'm not saying that having a big church is wrong or not. But we shouldn't deem a church more "successful" if they are bringing in 3000 members compared to the church down the street who has 30 members.

My focus has been to have a growth spiritually with our kids. If God chooses to bless us by having us multiply in numbers, that's great! If we stay the same size yet we are becoming more mature in our spirituality, that's awesome!

That's a hard mentality to keep with my church.
I think the elders and the pastor expects some physical growth within the first year of my ministry here to see if i'm doing my job.
It saddens me that some have to think like that.
I know i'll hear grumbling if our youth size stays the same for the next two years. the saddest thing is that they'll never know how God is working through those youth, because all they want to see is physical results.

I honestly don't know the exact size of our youth group and many people don't understand why i don't know.
I like to keep it that way, for many reasons.

Oops, must get ready for tonight.

Leave 99...

In the Bible, Jesus tells a parable of how the shepherd would leave 99 sheep behind to find the one that wandered away.

And i feel that thought should be applied into ministry. But how much easier said than done it is. We have a group of college boys that have all the potential in the world. They would apply themselves more in church and into our ministry, but they don't want to seem weak (or whatever) in front of the others. They're waiting for one of them to make the move into becoming a serious Christian, then the rest will follow suit. But it's not going to happen. When they're alone, it'll be easier for them to open up, but when they're together, they just front.

So i decided it's time to go and actively "pursue" these guys, meaning, just hang out on a one-on-one basis and get to know them more and encourage them to come to the young adult service instead of the youth and to attend young adult bible studies.

When i saw the need to do this, i was surprised of how... inconvenient it all was. I honestly don't want to do it. I feel like i have too much other things that i need to do, like find a retreat site for our young adult summer retreat... (which is now getting more impossible) or like trying to figure out what to do for a mission trip this summer (and i'm running out of time). Not to mention the regular hustle and flow of church work. It just seems like i have million other things to do then try to reach out to a bunch of college boys.
How wrong is that?

In thinking like that, i forgot one of the most important part of being a pastor (at least for me): tending souls. Who cares if we don't get a site for the summer retreat? We'll improvise. If i don't get a mission trip planned, the church isn't going to fire me. But if i get one, just one of these boys to open up their hearts for Christ... that i feel is what God would want me to do...

On top of that, i can't help but think of times when i strayed away...

The image of the shepherd leaving the 99 to find the one has become more powerful to me, only because i realize how hard it really is... and how "inconvenient" in can seem to be. And it shows how much we are loved by our Creator.

My Last Months At KUMC of GW

I was talking to a friend about Ethics class in seminary. He was asking me about the professor he has, whom i also had for my ethics.
Dr. Wheeler was one of my favorite professors at Wesley and i really learned a lot from her.
Two of my proudest moments in Seminary were:
In preaching class, Dr. McClain looked at me square in the eye after i gave a sermon in front of him and the class (we had to preach a sermon, then after we were done, the entire class sits in front of you and they tell you what they liked and what they didn't like, and the professor lays his final judgment, s0-to-speak) and Dr. McClain says to me (i've been intimidated by his presence all semester) "you can preach, boy. don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise."
Another proud moment was when i received an A on an Ethics paper in Dr. Wheeler's class. The paper was a sermon on homosexuality and she really liked it, and even suggested that i preach to the youth kids.

So after much thinking, i finally decided i would do so. I knew that i was going to leave the church in about a month or two, and i just wanted the kids to know that we are called to love any and every one.

So i went and preached that sermon.
And i did a fairly good job preaching it.
After i was done, that's when the drama ensued.

The head youth pastor called my and the other part-time youth pastor and fellow seminarian into his office and sat us down and locked the door.
He started yelling at me about how i was promoting homosexuality to the kids and how i was going against his teachings. He was upset that because he thought i told the kids to go to see Brokeback Mountain, because he told the kids not to go see it because of the homosexual content. In my sermon i said, "we were told not to go see Brokeback Mountain. I feel we shouldn't see it because it's another way Hollywood promotes and glorifies extra-marital affairs."

Then he started attacking the things that i preached, and how i use the pulpit improperly. I was rather offended, because he, a month ago preached to the kids that interfaith marriage is unclean, and if a Christian marries a non-Christian, it was light mixing with darkness. He fully knew that they were more than a handful of kids who had a parent that didn't go to church. He also knew that one of the students sitting there had a hard time coming to church because her mom was dead against Christianity. Not only that, he once told us that a student came to him and was struggling with his sexual identity and wasn't sure if he was homosexual or not. The very next Sunday, he prays (from nowhere, really) "May you convict the hearts of the homosexuals. Have them turn from their evil ways and let them see the light."
Since he never revealed the identity of the kid, i was praying that that kid was not present when that prayer was prayed.

He then basically banned me from preaching to the high school kids (we had a separate worship on Sundays for jr. high and sr. high). I said fine, less work for me anyhow, and left the meeting.

Then, he accuses me of swearing at him. He said that i flicked him off as i was leaving the office. The other part-time had his head down, so he didn't see anything, but he confirmed that i did not use any swear words, which i was also accused of. I thought to myself, am i back in jr. high school?

Before i left church that Sunday, i stopped by the Sr. Pastor and wrote him a letter of what happened. I basically said, I preached about homosexuality, the head youth pastor is upset, and some parents might be upset, because he is upset. And i apologized for the headache that i will cause him.

The head youth pastor apparently saw that as a threat and asked me why i went to the senior pastor behind his back. I explained that i wasnt going behind anyones back, but that i was informing the senior pastor so that he doesn't get blindsided just in case someone else was upset as he was over the sermon.

Anyway, that was the end of a long Sunday.

We had a staff meeting on Tuesday, just the three of us, and throughout the meeting, it was as if i never existed. He had his body turned away from me and never acknowledged my presence. When the other part-timer went to the bathroom, he finally acknowledged my presence and said, "i have a meeting with [the senior pastor] today. but don't worry, i won't tell him about the unfortunate event where you swore at me."
I kept my mouth shut, but i thought to myself, i already told the pastor that you thought i swore at you. But i didn't, and the other part-timer witnessed the entire thing and also says that i never swore.

He did go to see the senior pastor. I don't know what he expected to happen, but i knew that it wasn't what he wanted.

I received an email from the senior pastor and he told me that what i did was okay. that he supports my theology and sermon (i had sent him a copy because i was advised to). He said the issue was probably that i preached without the head youth pastor's permission (which i agreed and understood). He said that he asked his son (who was in the youth group) about the sermon. His son replied that it was the best sermon he has heard since he was at KUMC. He was challenged to think differently, and was challenged to just love.

A part of me, honestly, felt good, but mostly relieved that i wasn't in trouble with the senior pastor.
The relationship between myself and the head youth pastor was pretty much non-existent, though i tried my best to restore before i left. (I eventually sent a letter after i moved out, and i was told he was very appreciative of the letter.)

But what i felt the worst about was that he was already in a lot of trouble. There were things that he was doing that even i felt uncomfortable with, and i wasn't supposed to know about it but found out through outside parties.
This disagreement was the straw that broke the camel's back, well that and my leaving too. I'm not saying i was such an integral part... but we had a good yin-yang going on in the youth ministry. We complemented each other fairly well. And at times, i think i served as the buffer zone.

As soon as i left, i heard things from my friend, the other part-timer, that it's not going well. Within 3-4 months, the head youth pastor resigned (with pay for the rest of the year).

It was a sad way to end things... but it was going to happen sooner or later. I just felt bad it had started with me.

I wish he really listened to what i was preaching. I wasn't promoting homosexuality in the sermon.
But what i was promoting was love. We are all God's children, regardless of our race, gender and sexual orientation. And in the eyes of God, we are all sinners, no one is better than the next. We are all given grace, equally and freely. And that we should extend the grace and love we received to our neighbors.

Affirmation

Today, i was unpacking and i came across the scrap book my kids at KUMC of GW gave to me as when i was moving back to Hawaii.
When i first read it, it made me cry with the letters and words those kids said to me.
I read it once more when i arrived in Hawaii, and it again moved me to tears.
I haven't looked at it since, until today.

I looked through it, read all the things the kids wrote to me.
It didn't make me sad as it once did.
It did, however, bring in a sense of relief.

I doubted so many times during my years there that i was actually doing something good. I never felt i was accomplished enough, never felt i was doing the right thing (which is how i still feel.)

I spent countless of hours trying to help them, and i never felt i was reaching them, let alone helping them.

Some times, I thought of quitting.
Many times i felt (and still feel) that the call from God is far greater than i could ever handle.

3 years of my life was spent pouring out my life to these kids.

And by the grace of God, and through God, i touched the lives of those young people. Those words of affirmation were great to read. And it reminded me, no matter how or incompetent i feel, that God uses the weak to lead the strong. As long as i continue to press on, God will work through me and for me.
I do what's possible and God will take care of the impossible. We're a tag team like that. (hehe.)

Ministry is such a thankless career choice. We don't know how we're affecting the lives of the people we serve. When we give all we have to the people we serve, sometimes we don't receive the thanks that we may feel we deserve.
But that's not why we do these things.
We don't store our treasures here on earth,
but we store them in heaven.
I do this for God.
I do this to serve God, and therefore serve the people that God has entrusted in my care.
Though people may never thank me for the work i may do, that doesn't (and shouldn't) bother me and i don't seek the approval of people.
My aim and purpose is to bring people closer to God and help them along their walk with their faith.
While it's nice to hear thank yous and what not, but in the end, more than any thank yous to people i served and touched, what i want to hear the most is "well done, my good and faithful son, well done." And that is what i strive for.

It's Friday!

Tonight is our Praise Night. I want to come up with a different name instead of the generic "Praise Night." In DC, my colleague held called his "praise night" NeXus. It stood for Next Generation is Us.
It's also a hair product, i believe. But i still like that, The Next Generation is Us.

I have the songs ready and i have the message prepared. Basically, i'm really looking forward to tonight.
As soon as i'm done posting this, i'm walking back to church (am at the starbucks across the street) and start going through the songs and the message. I have 2 hrs before the praise band comes.
I feel excited for tonight. More than usual. I just need to now prepare my heart for worship.

I love leading praise. There's something so powerful about it. And it's more exciting when i see young people share in the joy and love of God with me. It's a moving experience. And there's power in music. But sometimes, we make the mistake of limiting worship just to the praise. Worship is that and much more.

To worship is to change.
When we are in the presence of God, when we meet God, it's impossible for us to leave being the same.

I wish everyone well.

Keeping Sabbath

I think one of the most annoying questions or comments that i get from people are: you must have an easy job (because i only work on sundays) and what do you all the other days?

I don't think many realize how busy all pastors are.
We don't have set hours. Sure, i have office hours that i keep, but just because it's outside office hours, i am not going to ignore someone who is in desperate need.
"pastor joe, my father just died of a heart attack..."
"hey, i'm really sorry, but let's talk about this tomorrow, it's really not my office hours.."

yikes.
and the Korean churches just expect too much out of their pastors. they expect pastors to do a lot of work, and be very holy and upright, to compensate for their guilty feelings.
I specifically told them that i wanted to concentrate on youth when i got here.
but instead, i'm doing both youth and young adult ministries. not only that, on wednesdays, i have to do children's ministry stuff. i downplay how much i can speak Korean, because then i'd be doing a lot more. every time someone asks me something in Korean, i reply in English. I know it's bad, and dishonest, but it's for the sake of my sanity and preventing myself from burning out.

that's why Sabbath is so important.
At seminary, i never did well to give time for me. When it wasn't school, it was church work. When it wasn't church, it was school stuff.
by the end of my 3rd year, i was tired and more impatient with the kids that i ministered to.
It's amazing how one can get lost in the work at the church.
it's even more amazing how one can get so caught up in doing God's work and lose sight of God.

The biggest problem of the Korean-American pastors is that they burn out too quickly. That has to do with the pressure and expectation from the Korean church. It's also because many Korean-Americans don't understand the concept and importance of Sabbath.

we let our service exceed our worship
and we allow increasing our ministry to decrease our intimacy with God.
It's just that many of us equate our spiritual health with our doing God's work, the more i do, the more spiritual i am.
and that leads us into trouble.

I don't think the adults understand the fact that i keep myself away from all church stuff on Mondays, unless it's an emergency.
It's a nice way to just refresh my mind and refocus on what is ahead of me and bask in the glory of God.
I don't care that they understand, but they should be thankful, because the fact i'm doing this, i'll be able to serve them, their youth, and God much longer.

Sleepless in Hawaii

Man.
No caffeine today... unless you count that one can of Pepsi.
Perhaps it's all in my head. I can't fall asleep.
And yes, the wife is sound asleep... no nevermind, she just complained i'm typing too loud on my laptop.
I should, then wrap this up before i feel the wrath of a woman who can't fall asleep.
(right now, i'm typing as slow and quietly as i can.)

I just think i have a lot of stuff on my mind. I tend to lose sleep when i have to think. perhaps because my brain is not used to being used this much...

But i've been given a lot of thought on the type of pastor i am, at this moment.
I've been asking myself, would i be a pastor that i'd want?

And i came with the answer: well, no not really.

I'm too comfortable in my comfort zone. I'm such an introvert that it does effect the way i do ministry. It takes a lot out of me to talk to new kids that enter the church. It takes a lot for me to search out and network.
The crazy and stupid thing is, i know i need to be more extroverted to be more effective.
Here lies my biggest problem that i see: i tend to wait for people to come to me.

That in my opinion is rather terrible. I should go to the youth that i serve instead of waiting for them to come to me.

My father (who is also a pastor) said that a ministry is effective when it uses both the head and the heart. But more from the heart.
That's my dad's theory. I tend to agree.
the problem is, i think i've been doing ministry completely with my head.
The bigger problem? I'm not that smart. =)

Youth Ministry, in particular, is all about the relationships.
And sadly, in my six months here, those relationships have been happening, but within the church setting only.
I need to get out more. I need to be in the missions field, rather than observe it from afar.
I want to be the best that i can possibly be in serving God.
And i am a firm believer that i can't be all too effective if i am in my comfort zone.

I am all too aware that God uses the weak to lead the strong.

My prayer is that God will equip me where i am weak, and humble me where i am strong.


Oh, and that i'll get some sleep throughout the week.

A Turn For the Worse

As you may recall, we recently had a student pass away from cancer.
I wrote about how seeing the father just broke my heart, because he didn't have strength.
I just found out that the father also has cancer.
He was given 6 months to live around the time his daughter heard the same news about her.
He was going to donate organs to his daughter, and during routine checkups, they found cancer in his liver.
He didn't go through with the treatment, because he wanted to concentrate on his daughter improving.

When i heard the news, i was just stunned.
how much more can this family endure?

What is it that we, as pastors, can do in situations such as these?

Burial Service

This morning was the burial service.
I hadn't seen the father of the girl for a while.
He didn't come to the funeral service last night.

But i saw him today.
And i couldn't even begin to imagine what he must have been going through.

Literally, it looked like his life was sucked out from him.
He could barely walk or move. And he just look like he was going to pass out at any moment.

As natural as death is to life, it's unnatural that a parent has to his/her child.

Though there is nothing i can do for the girl who passed away, there is a family there who needs, not just my support and love, but everyone else's.

I always feel that my calling was bigger than who i am, but it becomes more evidently clear in moments like these.
This is why i know that ministry is something that humans can't do alone.

by the grace of God...

Hesitiation

Today we had a funeral service for a twelve year old who passed away from cancer.

When i got the news that she only had about a week to left, i was surprised at the first emotion that came to mind: hesitation. (okay, that's not really an emotion).

I knew that i had to visit her. I knew that it was my duty to be there, and at least comfort her, even if she isn't conscious.

But i waited just one day to go. Because i hesitated. Because i was scared.

And because i hesitated, i was not able to see her alive.

I am ashamed of myself for showing such lack of judgment.
I made this entire situation about me, about my weakness and faults, instead of focusing on what really mattered, the girl.

it was a valuable lesson that i learned, that came at a great price.